Episode 03 - The Triad of Systems: Part II

In Episode 03 of the Systems of Transformation Podcast, we explore Part II of the Triad of Systems.

• Exploring Systems of Compensation 
• Expressions of Systems of Compensation 
• My Personal Systems of Compensation 
• Intro to Systems of Transformation

Resource List:

• Definitions - Merriam Webster Dictionary

Let's heal generational and transform global !!!

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome Amazing Human
• 1:14 Recap of Episode 02
• 3:09 Exploring Systems of Compensation
• 6:15 Expressions of Systems of Compensation
• 9:31 Confessions of a Healing Perfectionist
• 17:32 Wisdom is Infused with Empathy & Smells like Love
• 22:01 Compensation Fragments but Transformation Integrates

Transcript

Anu Hernandez: 0:00

Wisdom is infused with empathy and smells like love. Hello, my amazing humans. Welcome back to the Systems Of Transformation podcast. Episode three. Yay. We are actually three episodes in that is so cool. I have moments when I sit down and I'm like, am I really doing this? Yeah, we are. And I don't want to stop. Now that I've started, I don't want to stop. So welcome back to this podcast. This is a podcast that is dedicated to discussing the dynamics of generational healing and global transformation through a trauma informed lens and a Christian perspective. I am your host, Anu Hernandez, And it is such a joy to do this today. I don't know why I'm like all energetic today. And I didn't even drink that much coffee. So I wonder. I am just happy to be here with all of you. Today we are going to jump into the second part of the'Triad of Systems'. Let's do a quick little recap of Episode 02. So in episode two, we talked about what a system is and that a system is a group of regularly interacting and interdependent parts that together form a whole. There is relationship and there is a level of need that is healthy. We also talked about what a System of Origin is and just that it is a place from which something begins or gives rise to something else. And we also talked about the fact that every System of Origin was once a System of Transformation and that every System of Transformation eventually becomes a System of Origin. I'm going to read something that I wrote. The success of a System of Origin doesn't lie in how much of its beginnings it is able to maintain but how much it is willing to submit to the process of change over time. Origins are rich with potential to transform or to compensate. The success of whether a System of Origin evolves into becoming a System of Transformation or whether it remains, or becomes a System of Compensation really lies in its willingness to go through the process of change, of evolution. Of submitting to, Maybe I started a certain way, but I don't want to end that way and so what do I need to do to stay healthy, stay transforming." Not stay transforming, that's like an oxymoron. In some way, shape or form a System of Origin is going to morph. And I'm going to say that depending on the choices that system makes, we end up either becoming a System of Compensation or a System of Transformation. I'm going to define the word compensation. To compensate for something means to counterbalance or to neutralize. In psychology, it is a psychological mechanism by which feelings of inferiority, frustration or failure in one field are counterbalanced by achievement in another. A System of Compensation is the collection of thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. It could also be behaviors, relationship patterns, and habits that we develop to neutralize the pain that was caused by the wounds of our origin or the trauma of our bloodlines. If we go back to our baseline of, we all have wounds of origin, some of us have more severe ones and some of us have different expressions of the same wound. In every human being is a tendency to develop these Systems of Compensation that help neutralize the discomfort, the dysregulation and the dysfunction caused by the pain of the wounds that, we carry within us. Think of compensation like an imbalance in our bodies. Let's say we have maybe a knee, that hurts a little bit. And so to help balance that we might end up putting a little more pressure on our other knee to help us walk. Compensation is very similar when it comes to psychological and relational dynamics. Compensation is a reaction. It is a reactionary behavior, belief, habit that we develop so that we avoid feeling the effect of what the pains of our origin have created in us. I see this with a lot of people who have traumatic histories where because they lacked something in their past, they overcompensate for it in the future. People that have been raised in poverty aspire to have as much as they can in terms of monetary wealth later to secure themselves. People who may have had a generational lineage of illiteracy definitely see education, which it is, I will never downplay the value of education. But if there's any type of pain and wounding that came from that illiteracy. Or exposure to trauma that is not dealt with, then education becomes the compensation for what they didn't have. And at the end of the day, no amount of education can heal the pain in your heart. An intellectual achievement cannot heal an emotional wound. There are different expressions of compensation. Some of them are very easily and very obviously destructive. They're so much easier to reject. They're so much easier to avoid and also discriminate against. Some of them are very acceptable, very good expressions that on the surface, they seem like you're doing just fine, but in reality, it is something that we have put in place to numb ourselves. Some of the very socially acceptable compensatory behaviors that I see are; throwing yourself into service, positions of leadership, becoming a workaholic and grinding all the time. Becoming overly invested in appearance, wealth, ministry. A lot of this is what I have learned through my own journey. I have come to find in my journey of transformation that the danger is that the highest forms of evil are expressed not as contradictions of good but the imitations of it. Let me say that one more time. The danger is that the highest forms of evil are expressed, not as contradictions of good, but the imitation of it. Think about that. We talk a lot about counterfeits. And things that appear to be good, but aren't really good if you look beneath the surface. And I do believe that the deeper you go into understanding transformation, the more you will recognize that. It's so easy to see somebody who is very obviously struggling with something destructive on the surface, whether it is alcoholism, drug addiction, self-harming, any other type of very obviously destructive behavior. There's just so many different things that you can look at it and you can say, oh, that's destructive. That's evil. I'm obviously not going to do that. We're coming to understand that even good behavior. And I say,"good" with quotation marks, are also subject to the same law of compensation. They could be expressions of something more traumatic and something undealt with. One of my favorite Christian artists Lecrae, I love his music and I want to read you guys a line from one of his songs. I remember when I listened to the song for the first time, this line stuck to me for so long. It had such an impact on me, that I refer to it even today. The line goes,"We talkin' about running the city, but most of us running from home". Man, that one line has put into context so much of my life, so much of my compensation, so much of how addictive these expressions of compensation can be. I call myself a healing perfectionist. Being perfect. was a system of compensation for me to make sure that I never make a mistake, which is impossible as a human being. But I lived under this pressure because I was trying to make sure that I would not have to suffer the pain or the retraumatization of my wounds of rejection from my origins. Which brings me to this. Most often the fuel of compensation is pain. And I can attest to this because this was my life. I ran on the fuel and the energy that my pain supplied me. And the dangerous part of all of, that was a lot of the behaviors that I chose as the good Christian girl were things that everyone applauded. People even called that resilience. But I knew that I was just numbing myself. An even more dangerous step in that process was, after a while you convince yourself that that is just the way it is. That in fact, this behavior of compensation, this thought form that I have of myself, the way I see myself is the truth. Obviously it was not healthy and it did not take me to good places. And the way I recognized it was when I started to engage in addictive behaviors. I was an emotional eater. I was addicted to pornography. I remember the first time I was awakened to that truth that while my destructive behaviors or my compensatory behaviors were not overtly destructive, they were covertly eating away at who I was. And they were just a temporary relief and never a permanent solution. And so I would just keep going in this loop of starting to feel the discomfort of the truth of my pain, and then running to these things that helped me alleviate, numb that pain. Which was so much shame, because, on the surface, I was a Christian girl who was trying to figure it out in this world. At any time I expressed some expression or form of my dysfunction I was dismissed or lectured. And so I hid these things And I learned these socially acceptable forms of compensation that in a way kept together my reputation. I knew my soul was crumbling beneath the surface I knew that I was in a lot of pain. But I also didn't know how to change that. To peel back the layers of that has taken me quite a while and it is, cost me a lot of things. I'm not saying all of this to scare you guys away from the process of transforming. But it's also not something that I want to sugar coat. Living in a system of compensation is going to cost you something. And in the same token, living as a system of transformation is also going to cost you something. But I would rather pay an investment than pay the price. I remember well into my adulthood I had a moment with God, where He sat me down and said"Anu, you need to stop using your pain as the fuel for things that you do and transform that into the energy that comes from my love." It took me a few years to even understand what He said and meant by that There was a part of my heart that was so stubborn because I didn't know any other way to be. All my life I had used fear, anger, mistrust and pain to really make me do the things that I wanted to do and achieve And it was this gentle confrontation of this pattern that I had evolved over life; that by appearing perfect, by being the highest achiever, by being the leader, by being the good girl and the example, by being the role model to everybody around me, somehow I could avoid the compensation that I was partaking in And the Lord sat me down another time, and this just comes back to my memory now and I remember Him telling me,"I need you to feel every ounce of anger that you carry in your system because you are trying to out perform your pain And that ain't gonna work. So I'm giving you permission to feel angry. Now in that anger don't sin or try not to sin, but I understand that you're angry", and nobody had ever told me that nobody had ever said"It's okay to be angry." it took me a lot of misunderstanding from other people because a lot of times when I shared with people what the Lord had told me, I was met with Well, let's just pray this anger away" or Surely God cannot endorse such a thing." It was through that very very lonely isolated but intimate time with God that He showed me that I had to walk through grief if i didn't want to live the rest of my life in compensation. I was terrified of the grieving process because it required me to get in touch with parts of my pain and my trauma that, you know, if I wanted to, I didn't have to address, like I could just pick one of these socially acceptable forms of compensation. and I could somehow get through life, but that's not abundant life and that's not what God wants us to have. And so we have to shift from this fear and this avoidance of experiencing the healing process, just because it is painful at times in order to shift that gear into receiving the supply of energy that comes from love. Love from God, love for ourselves and then love for other people. We cannot be healers in this world unless we invest in our own healing journeys. I'm probably going to say that every episode, so just get used to hearing that. Sure we can teach concepts and be channels to some degree of effectiveness, but it is limited to the depth of healing that we are willing to take within ourselves. We ask people to make such huge shifts in their identities and belief systems without a true understanding of how difficult that process is. And I can always tell whether somebody has engaged in a similar process of moving from compensation to transformation, depending on how much empathy they have. How gentle they are able to be with another person. It doesn't take much to recognize someone who is just saying something from a place of knowledge versus a person who is really sharing from a place of experience. Somebody was walked that difficult, but worthwhile journey of transforming a behavior or a belief or something that was fragmenting them in an attempt to survive. And moving into that place of transformation and thriving. Wisdom is infused with empathy and smells like love. One thing I have learned about God is that He is so gentle. Because He understands that at times we need coping mechanisms to survive. He knows the frailty of our human frames. He understands when we act out. And through all of that, he never disconnects to teach us a lesson. Recently I have personally walked through some type of. Internal metamorphosis based on the last three years of my life and that is scary to me. I had to face the fact that my deepest fear was that God would leave me should I evolve into this person who I think I'm becoming. And I realized that. I was putting pressure on certain people to confirm to me that some of the values and things that I believed in the past were still a part of me. And that behavior of compensating for the discomfort I felt in my evolution was showing up in relational pressure that was unfair to that other human being. And as hard as it was for me to face that I can only testify to the fact that moving through that compensatory behavior and putting it in front of God and saying, I'm doing this because I'm afraid you're going to leave me. And hearing from Him a response that I never expected, but I'm so familiar with, that He was never going to leave me or forsake me and just because I felt myself change did not mean that I had to walk away from Him or put pressure on human beings to convince me that I was okay. And that He was telling me that I was okay. Guys, I'm learning some of these things in real time with you. And I had a moment where I felt the switch, where I felt the release and the freedom. And I knew I had stepped out of compensation and into transformation because I felt light, I felt integrated and I felt free. I I still have moments of panic where I have to co-regulate with God. I've written things on my wall to speak to that transformation because it is unfamiliar. I've never believed some of the things that I believe or had to let go of some old belief systems that I've carried through my entire life. And that's hard, that's unnerving. It disturbs the equilibrium of my being. It's scary to embrace this new, Anu that is evolving and coming to be. At the same time. I know that if I carried those old things with me, I was just compensating. And not dealing with the fact that I'm different, I've changed. And this journey of life has nudged me towards shedding some of the old things that no longer represent who I am. I am conscious of the dichotomy that exists within me and on this path of learning to embrace and love and heal my own fragmentation, I have discovered that there is hope. In closing today's episode, I want to leave you with a sense of hope. I want you to know that no matter what System of Compensation you find yourself in, you can find transformation, you can make that change. We are going to really dig into some of that in the next episode. Really look at what transformation means, what it leads to and also what it costs, because again, I'm not going to sell you a false promise. I want this to be as authentic of a podcast as possible. Compensation fragments, but transformation integrates. While transformation costs us something, it is such a beautiful investment and it is so worth it. Because of the process of transformation that I have submitted myself to, I have conquered things that I never thought I would be able to. I have become a woman that I always dreamed of becoming, but never thought I could ever become. And to live in the reality of overcoming some of those compensations that I had in my earlier life and savor the freedom that comes through that process is so rewarding, that it is that personal testimony that I have that fuels the things that I do today and why I am choosing to share with you what I fondly call the blessing of both. Remember that your life has a purpose. And in finding that purpose, you are going to experience the greatest freedom of your existence in this world. And I want to leave you guys with this thought today. Enjoy who you are in this moment, so that we can celebrate who you will become in the future. You are not alone. You are not crazy. By virtue of being human, you are splendidly flawed and wonderfully called. Let me say that again. You are not alone. And you were not crazy. By virtue of being human, you are splendidly flawed. And wonderfully called. Thank you for journeying with me through Episode 03. Thank you for taking the time, investing your heart and being willing to hear what I have to share. I appreciate you so much. I value you. And I hope that you find value in our time together as well. Share this podcast with somebody if you think that it will benefit them. I really do appreciate the shares and I am very grateful to see the number of people that have invested in this podcast already. Thank you so much once again. Reach out to me. I'm on social media. You can email me. You can find me on Instagram at therealanuhernandez. On Facebook at Anu Hernandez. Or email me. My email address is, therealanuhernandez@gmail.com. Have the most amazing two weeks. I am looking forward to doing this again. And until then remember to heal generational and transform global. Bye.